Incandescently Ridiculous

Realising you've changed so dramatically from the person you used to be can be harsh at times, and is always unsettling.

I feel like I've been visited by myself as a ghost, this weekend; last night was the (dignified and put-together as always) apparition of First-Year-Rae, who I'm trying very hard to improve. It was a little dispiriting to wake up this morning and realise Grown-Up-Rae-Or-At-Least-Turning-Over-Some-New-Leaves-Rae had not attended her housewarming. I do a better job now at dealing with anxiety than FYR. I wish I had been able to do that last night. Worrying about my boyfriend, as well as kind of a stressful day and stressful evening, did not make for a very effective problem-solver.

Tonight, High-School-Rae tried to make an appearance, and I squashed her down. Sixteen-year-old me has a bit of a hurting heart over this. This weekend afforded itself some drawing of conclusions about friendships and their places. One of my oldest friends from high school told me that because it was clear that Edmonton, for me, was a new beginning, he wouldn't be visiting again. It wasn't malicious - and he was right - and I will still see him in Calgary - and GUROALTOSNLR understands that this is a normal thing - but sixteen-year-old me is a tiny bit heartbroken.

Plus, the girls leave Edmonton for good tomorrow, and although they are off on a huge adventure and I am so excited and so envious, I cannot imagine Edmonton without Caitlin and Meaghan. I am going to miss them so, so much.

Managed to completely wreck my sleep cycle. Off to find something to do.

-rae